That intoxicating rush when you meet someone new can feel like the start of a great love story. But sometimes, what feels like love is actually limerence—an intense infatuation that can be misleading. Understanding the difference between limerence vs. love is extremely important if you’re trying to honestly evaluate your feelings for someone.
Having a clear idea of what indicates limerence vs. love can help you make wiser relationship decisions, avoid potential heartbreak, and pave the way for a real, lasting connection.
What Is Limerence?
The term “limerence” was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence. The limerence definition encapsulates an intense, involuntary state of adoration and obsessive longing for another person whose reciprocation is often unknown. It’s more than a simple crush; it’s an all-consuming emotional state.
Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence
- Constant, Intrusive Thoughts: You can’t stop thinking about the person. They occupy your mind day and night.
- Idealization: You focus only on their positive qualities, often creating a fantasy version of them while ignoring any flaws or red flags.
- Craving for Reciprocation: You feel an intense need for them to return your feelings, causing strong physical and emotional reactions. Their attention can cause euphoria, while their indifference can lead to despair.
- Fear of Rejection: The thought of them rejecting you is terrifying and can cause significant anxiety, while you crave their validation.
What Is Lasting Love?
Lasting love is a compassionate, steady bond that deepens over time. It isn’t just about the dizzying highs; it’s about building a secure foundation based on mutual trust, respect, emotional safety, and shared values. Love is a conscious choice to commit to another person, flaws and all.
How Love Feels
- Secure and Grounding: Instead of anxiety or thrilling ups and downs, you feel a sense of peace and emotional safety with your partner.
- Authentic: You can be fully yourself without fear of judgment.
- Collaborative: Both partners are willing to grow, communicate, compromise, and work through challenges together.
Limerence vs. Love: The Core Differences
While both can feel powerful, the distinction between limerence vs. love is profound and impacts the entire dynamic of a relationship. Key areas where they diverge include:
- Focus: Limerence is self-centered—it revolves around how the other person makes you feel. Love is partner-centered—it focuses on the well-being and happiness of both individuals.
- Perception: Limerence idealizes the other person, placing them on a pedestal and ignoring flaws. Love accepts reality and embraces imperfections.
- Security: The uncertainty of limerence often creates anxiety. In contrast, love provides a consistent and secure emotional base.
- Response to Conflict: When faced with challenges, limerence tends to crumble because the fantasy is broken. Love leans in, using conflict as an opportunity to repair and strengthen the connection.
- Foundation: Limerence is often built on intense chemistry and the thrill of the chase. Love grows from a deeper foundation of commitment, shared experiences, and mutual trust. A close look at the limerence definition shows it’s rooted in obsession, not partnership.
If You’re in the Limerence Phase
Limerence vs. love are not opposites, and they can both exist in the same relationship at different times, but you don’t want to mistake one for the other. Recognizing you’re in a state of limerence is the first step. If you suspect your feelings are more about infatuation than love, here’s what you can do.
- Slow Down: Give your feelings time to settle before making major life decisions.
- Stay Grounded: Continue investing in your hobbies, friendships, and personal goals. Don’t let your world revolve around one person.
- Get Curious: Make an effort to learn who the person truly is, beyond the idealized version in your head.
- Build Depth: Move from intensity to intimacy through honest conversations and shared experiences.
Understanding the differences between limerence vs. love can help you deepen relationships that may have started as infatuation—and help you see if there’s real potential for something more lasting.
Build a Love That Lasts
Navigating relationships is one of the most complex parts of the human experience, but you don’t have to figure out everything on your own. Whether you’re trying to move past limerence or strengthen the love you already have, Save My Marriage offers tools to help.
Our workshops and resources are designed to help couples build stronger, more fulfilling connections. Over 75% of couples who attend our programs stay together and report increased happiness in their relationships.
If you’re ready to build a love that is secure, authentic, and lasting, we are here to help. Get started with Save My Marriage today.
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