Quick answer: A sexless marriage is generally defined as one where a couple is physically intimate fewer than ten times per year. But the real concern is not frequency alone; it is whether spouses are growing apart and no longer talking about it. The good news is that most couples can rebuild closeness with the right tools and support.
If you have been feeling more like roommates than spouses lately, you are not alone, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Distance in marriage is common, and it rarely means anyone is to blame.
The team at Marriage Dynamics has walked alongside more than 87,000 couples navigating exactly this kind of struggle. This post will help you understand what a sexless marriage actually is, why intimacy fades, and what spouses can do to find their way back to each other.
What Counts as a Sexless Marriage?
Researchers generally define a sexless marriage as one in which a couple is physically intimate fewer than about ten times per year. A related category, called a low-sex marriage, applies to couples who are intimate roughly once a month or less.
These numbers are useful reference points, but they are not the real dividing line. Many couples describe their marriage as sexless long before it reaches that threshold. What matters more is direction: are you walking through a hard stretch together, or are you quietly drifting apart without talking about it?
Why Does Intimacy Fade Over Time?
There is rarely one single reason. More often, several small things pile up quietly over time.
Exhaustion. Intimacy tends to be the first thing cut when there is nothing left to give. Work, kids, and obligations feel non-negotiable. Connection feels like it can wait.
Emotional distance. Physical closeness usually follows emotional closeness. When unresolved conflict, criticism, or a feeling of being unknown or unappreciated creeps in, physical distance tends to follow.
Unaddressed hurt. Old wounds that were never fully repaired do not disappear. They get tolerated, and sometimes, silently kept score of.
Mismatched desire. Couples can get stuck here for years because they have never learned to talk about the difference without one spouse feeling rejected and the other feeling pressured.
Physical and medical realities. Hormonal changes, menopause, medication side effects, chronic pain, depression, postpartum recovery, and other health factors all affect intimacy in real and significant ways.
Prior wounds and history. Past trauma, abuse, or messaging that made intimacy feel unsafe or shameful can quietly shape a marriage long after the fact.
Gradual drifting. Sometimes there is no crisis, no argument, no single turning point. Just a hundred small turns away from each other that nobody noticed until one day the distance felt very large.
How Can Spouses Rebuild Intimacy and Connection?
Start with one honest conversation. Not at bedtime, not in the middle of an argument. Choose a calm moment and lead with your own experience: “I have been missing you” lands very differently than “you never.”
Rebuild non-sexual affection first. A hand on the shoulder, sitting close on the couch, a longer hug before work. Lowering the stakes is often what makes deeper intimacy possible again.
Protect time together. A weekly date night, a standing evening routine, an actual boundary around the phone after 9 p.m. Connection needs protected time to grow.
Address the resentment underneath. Distance on the surface is often resentment underneath. Forgiveness, both given and received, is a learnable skill, and it changes everything.
Expect this to take months, not a weekend. Progress looks like small returns of warmth, not one big breakthrough moment.
Get outside help sooner than feels comfortable. Research consistently shows that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for marital problems (Gottman Institute). The couples who recover well are usually the ones who asked for help early.
When Your Marriage Needs More Than a Conversation
Some situations call for a trained professional, and asking for that help is a sign of strength. If there is any abuse present, including emotional, physical, or sexual coercion within the marriage, please seek professional support right away.
How Marriage Dynamics Can Help
Marriage Dynamics offers courses and workshops designed for couples at every stage:
- Dynamic Marriage: A nine-week course for couples ready to rebuild connection and communication
- United: A nine-week Bible study for couples whose distance is as much spiritual as physical
- ReConnect: A weekend retreat for couples who need breathing room and time to reconnect
- A New Beginning: A three-day workshop for marriages in real crisis, including couples considering divorce
- A New Foundation: A weekend event that equips engaged and newly married couples with practical skills and healthy habits to build a strong marriage
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Reach out to the Marriage Dynamics team to find the right next step for your marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions About Sexless Marriages
Q: What is the clinical definition of a sexless marriage?
A: Researchers most commonly define a sexless marriage as one where a couple is physically intimate fewer than ten times per year. A low-sex marriage typically refers to intimacy occurring about once a month or less.
Q: Is a sexless marriage common?
A: Yes. Studies suggest that approximately 10 to 20 percent of married couples are in a sexless marriage at any given time (Psychology Today). It is far more common than most people realize.
Q: Can a sexless marriage be saved?
A: Most can. The key factors are whether both spouses are willing to be honest, whether resentment is addressed rather than avoided, and whether the couple gets the right kind of support. Couples who seek help early tend to have the best outcomes.
Q: What is the difference between a sexless marriage and a low-sex marriage?
A: A low-sex marriage typically involves intimacy about once a month or less. A sexless marriage is generally defined as fewer than ten times per year. Both can signal disconnection, but the more important question is whether the couple is moving toward each other or away.
Q: When should a couple seek professional help for a sexless marriage?
A: Sooner than feels necessary. Research from the Gottman Institute shows couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. The earlier a couple gets support, the better the outcomes tend to be.
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